It’s terrifying to write about love as someone who’s grown up with extreme behaviors in relationships that would always send me on an emotional rush. The lyrics explain the anxiety of a relationship having no end point and thinking, ‘Oh my god, this might work out.’ I wanted to capture that feeling that I’m finally safe.
Jazmin Bean on ‘Terrified‘
Nursing their bleeding stars at the outskirts of asylum, Jazmin Bean plays nurse. Their bicycle is mint green and their hair is turquoise and they carry a box of medicine. When cleaning tables in my service job, I’d lip sync for real at the songs I’d play in my head to escape the music that was actually playing. When you fall in love it’s like bundling your stars into a bicycle and laying them all beside one another to clean them up, clean off the blood. Take them on a boat on the lake. Administer the painkiller to let them float back off to space. I listened to this song, Spotify tells me, more than any other in 2024.
The second song is ‘How to Rent a Room’ by Silver Jews. So when I’m listening reflectively to the Top Songs of 2024 in the linear unfold of a diary, the transition goes from three-minute perfect slice of zoomer britpop – Bean’s ‘I’m terrified / Sun in my eyes / I’m terrified / terrified’ – to Berman’s ‘I don’t really wanna die / I only wanna die in your eyes’ and the assonance of eyes/die/terrified collapses into the string section of mortal swoon. In ‘Terrified’, Bean sings about their first healthy relationship following a history of abuse and struggle in love. I’ve been following their work ever since Audrey Lindemann wrote about ‘Jazmin Bean’s Instagram’ for SPAM Cuts back in 2020. I kept thinking about that phrase ‘Imprisoned by Flesh’ as the locatedness of a room where men grasp at bedsheets and the elven blonde remains hugging their knees and grimacing. Lindemann described Bean’s aesthetic as ‘stradd[ling] a Butler-ian understanding of performativity and a Zoomer drive for authenticity’. The editorial implication of this piece is that we are reading Bean’s Instagram not just as art but also a kind of visual poetry. All of the gurlesque extremity channels into the emotional circuitboard through which I listen to ‘Terrified’. The transformation from this post-internet monsterkin to alt-pop star is pretty cool. The songs are bigger and more free. There’s space for the feeling to breathe.
Can we call this zoomer britpop? Atwood Magazine commented on the song’s ‘eruption of ’90s-era Britpop warmth’. I’ve been reassessing Britpop (capitalised here for History) with the Americans via the recent series of Bandsplain, where Yasi Salek and pals take on bands like the Happy Mondays, Blur and Oasis (and try valiantly to pronounce the various dialects associated with these bands). Britpop for me is the music that played as I nodded off in the back of my dad’s car, looking out the window or reading a book, looking for something else to do. Britpop, in its purest form, to me represents an emotional prototype for projecting personal excess and intensity. The actual lyrics should be fairly general and simple, with one striking detail. Your ‘wonderwall’ or ‘champagne supernova’, kind of like the novum of the song whose weirdness transforms all the ordinary detail like putting violet dye in an otherwise neutral lake. It also comes along with simple chord structures, homophony, melodic hooks, a compelling chorus or build towards it. EXUBERANCE (that is either swaggering or just a little unsure of itself). I am not trying to give a history of britpop I am just trying to get at how it currently resonates for me as a genre or perhaps more like a mode of music.
Another contemporary example of post-internet-leaning britpop for me was Grimes’ 2020 midi-acoustic elegy, ‘Delete Forever’ [‘I got super triggered when Lil’ Peep died’]. A song about addiction and dying that feels raw in comparison to the maximalism of Miss Anthropocene. I only just realised the line at the end of the chorus is ‘More lines on the mirror than a sonnet’. Sonnet = little song. Britpop anthems are sort of like little songs put through the maximalist ringer, or vice versa. When I walk through dawn listening to ‘Terrified’, what is it I’m feeling? Some proximity to that tunnel feeling of coming out the other side, coming into the light
and finding it utterly
fucking scary.
I had some news in 2023 which changed the way I felt about life. I found out that by a 50/50 draw, I hadn’t inherited a harmful gene mutation which greatly increases your risk of cancer. This gene variant is responsible for breast and ovarian cancer is multiple family members, some living and some not. I’m still learning how to write all about this and I find it easier to do so through song. What rips you to shreds but melody in some of these moments? But the ripping when cast to melody is more like a ribbon. And I tie it around my wrist and I get on with it. Is the ribbon pink? I don’t know / it is more like a mirror or mobius trip. When Bean writes about ‘Terrified’ as capturing ‘the anxiety of a relationship having no end point and thinking, “Oh my god, this might work out”‘ she hits the real heart nerve. I feel like this about my whole life. For various reasons, I didn’t think I’d live past fifteen, then I didn’t think I’d live past thirty. By ‘live’ I mean literally and figuratively. It was hard to imagine pushing past those milestones into further life, existence, going on. Then I was given this gift in the form of a medical letter. It trickled into everything. It was real in the moment but long-term really just a symbol or sign (I will get sick like everyone else, my stars will still bleed). At the start of 2024 I walked around listening to this perfect three-minute song because it was a homeopathic dose of the new scared-hope I was administering myself. A tiny infinity. I let a few of those stars back up. They’ll return for me.
mariaology 